Is it worth IT?

(caution: unlike anything i have ever written before)

I am writing this an hour after I came to know that I had lost a cousin of mine in Kenyan (Kisumu) floods. This cousin of mine had lived in Kenya for 15 or so years and had moved to India around the same time we had moved from USA. He had moved to India obviously for his kids education. I am sure Kenyan education system will be as fucked up as their political and social situation. He mentioned that his house was robbed umpteen number of times when he lived there. He had also mentioned how unsafe Kenya was.Last when I met him was during a function before we moved to Australia. After coming to India he did not have a job and was staying home. He was one of the first guys in our family to have a masters in something. He studied fisheries. Its to do with fishing, storing fish, things like that. Job opportunities for him in India are very bleak. After couple of years of sitting idle at home he decided to take up a job in some middle eastern country. He moved there alone leaving his family behind. I am sure this was primarily not to affect his kids education. All said and done his kids had to live without their dad. I have no idea when he moved back to kenya. I remember him telling, his previous employer (owner of a fishing company) owed him heaps of money and he would not go back to that job unless the owner paid him. I came to know that he rejoined Kenyan company as he lost his job in middle eastern country. I am not blaming my cousin for making certain choices, just wondering if the last question that came to his mind was "Was it worth it?"

I know how it feels to grow up with out a DAD (physically my dad was there). Even though I saw my dad quite often, we were never mentally connected to him. He was always busy with his gambling addiction, leaving my mum to take care of the kids. I don't think any one of us (my brothers and I) can really say "I love you" to my dad. If we did say that, it would be the most hypocritical statement. When Hita asks me, "how come you never speak about your dad?" makes me speechless (in my mind I say, he was useless that's why). Some of my friends travel on their job (not talking about week or days of travel) leaving their families behind. Whatever is the reason/obligation for the travel (unless that's the only way to put food on table), there is no way to get that time back. I don't think my cousins death will make much difference to his kids as they are used to living/not seeing their dad often. You might speak every day on phone, but "out of sight is out of mind". If you are not there when they need, you not being there makes no difference.

I know that if you start thinking at meta physical level, if you are to die, you will. It does not matter where you are, what you are doing. What matters are the choices made before death. If there is feeling after death, I want to be saying "wow what a journey, thanks for that" rather than guilt of not doing something or not being there for my kids when they needed me etc.. Is this a revelation after hearing about a death? absolutely not. This event has cemented my belief that nothing is worth the time you loose with your kids (if you wanted them and are sure they are yours) and wife/partner (again if you want them and love their company). I do live(1000's of miles) away from my parents, but that's what birds do when they learn to fly, they build their own nest. Once you have a little one in that nest, you better stop flying. It is your responsibility to teach the young one how to fly. If you are not around (mother and father), your death will make no difference(forget about world, to your own kid) and that ain't worth it.

K